I Told You I Want To Die - Final
o5 ; i’ll let you go
Between life and death, I didn’t know which one to choose.
Between life and death, I see myself wavering in the middle.
Between life and death, I can sense my mind telling me to wake up yet my heart was telling me to stay.
Between life and death, lies the path of love which had been written down for me.
Between life and death, I choose…
I’m wearing my best suit, the one which I had been saving for a special occasion; the suit which I had been planning to wear when I attend my best friends’ wedding.
Now, the day has come.
I finally have the reason to wear it.
I take in a huge, deep breath.
It’s time to go.
I check my reflection on the mirror for the last time. At the last minute, I remember that I had forgotten about my passport.
I rush up the stairs in a hurry.
It was a beautiful, blooming spring. I was playing on the swing, enjoying the cooling breeze around me while Chorong was curled up against a tree, reading her latest book collection.
Woohyun wasn’t with us. He had told us (unhappily I must add) that he had to go along with his parents for a short-weekend trip. I knew that he’d rather stay here with us, in such a nice weather but it wasn’t possible for him to say no.
I took advantage of his absence to ‘verify’ Chorong’s true feelings.
“Chorong-ah,” I called out to her a little nervously. I was honestly afraid of what might come out from her mouth.
“Hmm?” she said distractedly, still not looking up from her book.
“Can I ask you something?”
I glanced down at the grass around me. When I found what I was looking for, I picked up the small branch and threw it at her lightly.
“What?” she asked in annoyance, looking up at me through glaring eyes.
“There’s something that I want to ask you.”
“Just say it then.”
But my mouth suddenly went dry. The words that I had composed earlier in my head had disappeared just like that. What was it? What was I supposed to say?
I heard her sighing loudly.
“Minhyuk-ah, what is it?”
“Do you like me?” the words came stumbling out my mouth just like that. Not smooth at all.
I saw her gaping slightly, and then closing her mouth almost immediately.
“Whatever is going on in your head, Lee Minhyuk,” she rolled her eyes at me and went back to her reading.
She never answered my question.
When I arrived, I saw that many people had already gathered together, waiting for the ceremony to commence.
I walk towards my parents, with an unreadable expression on my face.
I can feel a lot of people’s stares on me as I pass them, but I ignore them all.
I have no answers either.
Mum instantly pull me into a hug and rub my back tenderly. I remain stiff yet she still gives me a small, comforting smile.
“Let’s go in now.”
A week before the accident, Woohyun and Chorong had gotten into an argument. A huge one.
Chorong had called me first. She was crying, pouring out her side of story between loud sobs. I listened to her attentively, just like always, and offered a few consoling words in between.
She cooled down about thirty minutes later and wished me goodnight.
Woohyun called me right after that.
“I swear I’m not cheating on her,” was the first thing he had said when I answered. I didn’t say a word. I let him talk first.
“She thinks that I’m going out with a colleague of mine behind her back,” he continued in a distressed voice. “Where the hell had she gotten that idea from? God, how long have she known me exactly?”
Like always, I tried my best playing the peacemaker. I didn’t take sides, but I asked each party to cool down first and talk things out when they are ready.
I know that Woohyun would never cheat on her. He was crazy about her.
Perhaps, Chorong was just being weirdly sensitive.
3 days went by. 5 days…7…
And the next phone call I had gotten from Chorong, was about Woohyun’s accident.
I never received another phone call from Woohyun.
Finally, the ceremony has ended. I get up from my seat, ready to leave. I’m avoiding everyone, I’m running away – precisely because I am a coward.
“We’ll finally be happy together, won’t we?”
He held out his hand for me to take.
I smiled, as I intertwined our fingers together. No second thoughts, no moments of hesitation.
I know…that I’ve made the right choice.
“Minhyuk.” Someone taps me on my shoulder.
I didn’t want to stop, I want to get away from this place quickly. But at the last minute, I turn around.
Son Naeun, Chorong’s cousin whom she had introduced to me once, is standing in front of me, holding out a small-leathered book.
She smiles, but her eyes are teary.
“Chorong would want you to have this,” she says quietly. “Her diary.”
I hesitate for awhile, before taking it slowly from her grasp.
I know that I should ask her, why won’t she keep it instead.
But a selfish part of me doesn’t want to. I want it, I want it as a remembrance of my beautiful best friend, my sweet little Chorong.
Without another word, Naeun turn around and walk away, leaving me standing there all alone.
I grab the diary tightly in my hand, afraid to open the cover, afraid of what I might read. But then, when have I ever listened to my conscience?
I thought that I had no more tears left, but apparently, they still flow over when I saw a picture of the three of us – the first ever photograph we took together; after 9 years of friendship.
We didn’t have any physical memories of our childhood, only the ones painted in our minds.
Underneath it, she had written a small note, some sort of caption.
‘With my dearest Woohyunnie; the one whom I love with all my heart, till death do us part.’
Death still didn’t manage to part the two of you, did it, I thought bitterly.
‘And my beloved Minhyuk, the one I cherish and love, till the end of time.’
Time is endless…
But I’ll let you go.